Cab City Combo


SHAMPOO

Lyrics:

 Shampoo! Wet lather rinse repeat!

NEEDLE BOY

Lyrics:

  There ain't no doubt about it, I'm a Needle Boy
  I got the diabetes, I'm a Needle Boy
  I'm just about as useful as a broken toy
  Let's not be coy

If I had AIDS, there'd be a war to be won
If I was a junkie, the needle'd be fun
If I had a choice then I would be on the run
 From all the sugar's done

  There ain't no doubt about it, I'm a Needle Boy
  My daily life is full of things I must avoid
  Since I found out my warranty is null and void
  Am I annoyed

I hear the bomb ticking every night and day
Shooting up recombinant DNA
Deciding on which part of me might rot away
 What can I say?

  'Mary Tyler Moore'
  'Catfish Hunter'
  'Totie Fields'

Be sure that you are cheerful, say you feel fine
While magazines and doctors toe the company line
And friends ask stupid questions when you dine
 The healthy swine

   (The Healthy Swine Dance)

I get a bit bitter maybe you've guessed
Living on courtesy of Banting's Best
My fingertips are hurtin from the sugar test
 You guess the rest

  There ain't no doubt about it, I'm a Needle Boy
  Watchin for the gangrene with ironic joy
  I'm just about as healthy as broken toy
  I'm a Needle Boy

MY LITTLE DI

Lyrics:

 My little Di, she stings like sleet
 She's rough weather when you turn up the heat
 Like a tornado touchin down
 Or a rumble from under the ground
     Oh my Di 
     She's an unsheathed knife
     One wrong move
     And I'm stuck for life

 She's got more mystery than your average date
 Just watch and see how things complicate
 Sneak around, she just don't care
 But cross the line and she's waitin there
     Oh my Di 
     She's a power dive
     If I don't pull up in time
     I may not survive 

 My little Di, she stings like sleet
 She's more trouble than you're likely to meet
 Like danger signals on a nerve
 She's probably just what I deserve
     My my my 
     She's a stirred up hive
     Watch out near the honey
     When the bees arrive (man alive!)

 Let me tell you 'bout my little Di
 Normal rules just don't apply
 She took possession, and now I'm hers
 With things progressing from bad to worse
     INSTRUMENTAL

 My little Di, she stings like sleet
 A killer frost and a cold deceit
 A chill reception until she's bored
 I'm livin under the sword
     Oh my Di 
     She's an unsheathed knife
     Sharp as a razor
     Now I'm stuck for life

OUR VENAL VOLCANO

Lyrics:

   Our venal volcano
   It's the temple-with-a-view
   Suburban religion
   On the avenue
 The shofar's a french horn
 The stained glass by Ben Shahn
 The gift shop - the front lawn
 The High Holy Day Service yawn
        oy
   Our venal volcano
   All lit up in the dark
   Suburban religion
   From the electric ark
 The two-day-a-year jews
 Reform beyond all excuse
 Their day workers running loose
 While they sing those jewish blues

FORDS THEATRE WIPEOUT

Lyrics:

Early in the summer of sixty-five
Johnny Wilkes Booth took a fateful drive
He rode his Harley and he took his gun
To the drive-in movie just to have some fun

Now Johnny hid by the refreshment stand
The radio was playing his favorite band
When Lincoln sent his men to get a snack
John Wilkes Booth pulled a sneak attack

   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   Wipeout at the drive-in show
   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   Johnny's got a gun it's time to go

There in the lincoln, Abe was cool as ice
Wearing 3-D glasses, watching Vincent Price
But his life would end because of Johnny's stunt
Before he could even yell "Down in front!"

   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   Johnny's gun said "Time to go"
   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   Folks at the drive-in never finished the show

             (INSTRUMENTAL)

Now hard-luck Johnny's headed for harm
Cornered on the gas tank at Garrett's farm
The news will say, after the bullet hits,
"Psycho Gunman Blown To Bits"

   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   The crowd heard Johnny's cry
   "Sic Semper Tyranus!
   And tell my mama I said goodbye"

   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   Was it caused by rock and roll?
   Fords Theatre Wipeout
   Johnny found fame and lost his soul

JESUS JR.

Lyrics:

Jesus Jr! His grandpa is the Lord
Jesus Jr! He drives a big white ford
Jesus Jr! He takes his dad's advice
Jesus Jr! The Country Western Christ

   Well he was born in Tennessee
   Not somewhere out in Galilee
   His dad got his at Calvary
   And his mom works at the grocery

Jesus Jr! His grandpa is the Lord
Jesus Jr! He drives a big white ford
Jesus Jr! His grandma Mary's joy
Father, Son and the Holy good old boy

   Well Junior takes his name in vain
   When folks abuse the passing lane
   And at his favorite bar on Main
   The only thing he'll raise is cain

Jesus Jr! His grandpa is the Lord
Jesus Jr! He drives a big white ford
Jesus Jr! At least he's not a jew
10-4 Satan, his rig is passin you

   Now if his wheels get stuck in mud
   He'll part that shoulder like the flood
   And when he drives on Easter, bud
   His left-hand signal's dripping blood

Jesus Jr! His grandpa is the Lord
Jesus Jr! got mudguards on his big white ford
Jesus Jr! He takes his dad's advice
Jesus Jr! The Country Western Christ
Jesus Jr! The Country Western Christ

SULU'S DAY

Script:

 (OPENER MUSIC)
     SULU: (VOICEOVER) Navigator's log Stardate 37-68.4: (sigh) Another day,
       another planet, another adventure. And only 4 days til payday.
     KIRK: Report Mr. Sulu.
     SULU: Assuming standard orbit, Captain.
     KIRK: Uhura, open a hailing frequency to the Femyoodian High Council.
     UHURA: I have the Minister, Captain.
     MINISTER: (broken up) Kirk! You've got to help us! We're in real trouble
       here! I can't get the..(crash) Jim, please!
     KIRK: Minister! Uhura, get him back!
     UHURA: All I get is static, Captain.
     KIRK: Spock, Bones, come with me. Scotty, you have the com!
     SCOTT: Aye Cap'n.
 (They exit - long pause)
     SCOTT: Mr. Sulu, have you located the Cap'n on the planet?
     SULU: Aye sir.
     UHURA: Incoming message from the Captain.
     KIRK: (on Intercom) We have arrived in the Council Chamber. There's
       no one in sight. We'll keep you informed. Kirk out.
 (Pause)
     CHEKOV: (Sotto) Sulu.
     SULU: (Sotto) What?
     CHEKOV: (Sotto) Crazy Eights?
     SULU: (Sotto) You always win Crazy Eights.
 (Pause)
     CHEKOV: Go Fish?
     SULU: (Sighs) Alright. Got any fives?
     CHEKOV: Go Fish. Got any eights? Any ones?
     SULU: Go fish.
     UHURA: Mr. Scott, I have subspace interference.
     SCOTT: Squelch it.
     SULU: Got any twos?
     CHEKOV: Go Fish. Got any seexes? I win. (No response) What?
       What ees the matter?
     SULU: (After a pause) Forget it.
 (Pause)
     CHEKOV: I'm hungry.
 (Pause)
     SULU: Coming up on perihelion, three, two, one, mark.
 (Pause)
     SCOTT: I've got to check...engineering, Mr. Sulu, you have the com.
 (SCOTT exits)
     CHEKOV: I say Wodka.
     UHURA: I say Scotch!
     SULU: That's not fair, you picked Scotch yesterday.
     UHURA: And I MAY pick it tomorrow. Now pay if you want to play.
     SULU: All right, Acting Captain Sulu picks...Bourbon. Here's my bet.
       Chekov, you hold the money.
 (Pause)
     SULU: Chekov, how about locating the Captain on the planet.
     CHEKOV: Nah!
 (Snore from LANDREY)
     SULU: Hey, Landrey, wake up.
     CHEKOV: I'm still hungry.
     UHURA: Child, you're always hungry.
 (Pause)
     CHEKOV: Mr. Sulu, I'm reading a force 10 hurricane on the planet.
     SULU: Don't tell me. The Captain, Mr. Spock and Dr. McCoy are..
     CHEKOV + SULU: Located in the eye of the hurricane. (SULU sighs) 
     CHEKOV: And now the hurricane has wanished!
     SULU: No kidding, knobhead.
 (Pause - SCOTT reenters)
     SCOTT: (Too loud) THANK YOU MR. SULU!
     SULU: Aye aye Mr. Scott. (sniffs SCOTT's breath - Sotto) Ahh..Scotch.
       You're the winner, Uhura.
     UHURA: (Sotto) Pay up Chekov.
     CHEKOV: Okay, okay....Say Uhura, play some Crazy Eights?
     UHURA: (Icy) I'm on duty, mister.
 (Pause - SCOTT hums tune - Pause - Snore from LANDREY)
     SCOTT: Wake up Mr. Landrey, will you Sulu?
     SULU: LANDREY!
     LANDREY: Huh..?
 (Pause)
     CHEKOV: I'll...uh..be right back.
     SULU: Get me some chips.
     UHURA: Pavel honey, will you get me a coffee?
     SCOTT: Make that two coffees, Chekov.
     CHEKOV: Awww, why do I always have to....
 (CHEKOV exits)
     SCOTT: (Under his breath) She was only a milkman's daughter....
      (LANDREY snores) MR. LANDREY!!
 (LANDREY falls off his chair)
     LANDREY: Sorry sir, this is my second shift in a row.
     SCOTT: Blasted starfleet scheduling...
 (CHEKOV returns with snacks)
     CHEKOV: Okay, one coffee, one here, and the cheeps...
     LANDREY: Say, Chekov, do you have any more Rigelian speedballs?
     CHEKOV: Ask Nurse Chapel.
 (Pause - Munching)
     SULU: What is that you're eating?
     CHEKOV: A nalistnicki.
     SULU: I'm sorry I asked.
     SCOTT: I forgot....something....Mr. Sulu, you have the com.
 (SCOTT exits)
     CHEKOV: What - again? He's going to need a new liver.
 (Pause)
     SULU: Chekov, how about locating the Captain on the planet.
     CHEKOV: Locate this, "Acting Keptin"!
 (Pause)
     CHEKOV: Say, how come you keep getting the com?
     SULU: How come you can't pronounce the letter 'V'?
     CHEKOV: Wery funny!
 (Laughter from the crew - Pause)
     SULU: Phaser Mumbledy-peg?
     CHEKOV: Why won't anyone play Crazy Eights?
     SULU: Phaser Mumbledy-peg or nothing. Come on, get the anti-matter
       shielding.
     CHEKOV: Okay, but this time let's only set it on stun.
     SULU: Chicken!
 (They play)
     SULU: Your turn.
 (They play)
     CHEKOV: Ow! Damn! OH!! (Thud)
     SULU: Heh heh, what a loser.
     UHURA: Hey Sulu, prop him up, Scotty's coming back.
 (SCOTT reenters with difficulty)
     SCOTT: THANK YOU MR. SULU!
     SULU: Thank you, Mr. Scotch.
 (Pause) 
     UHURA: Incoming message from the Captain.
     KIRK: (On intercom) Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, I need 800 gallons of
       blackstrap molasses, and enough flour to cover Mr. Spock from head
       to toe.
     SCOTT: Blackstrap Molasses?? (Sigh) Aye sir. Coming right up.
 (SCOTT exits)
     CHEKOV: (Groggy) Blackstrap Molasses. It was inwented in the Ukraine.
 (Moans from all - Pause)
     CHEKOV: I'm going to triangulate the captain's position.
     SULU: You're not going to use Spock's computer, are you?
     CHEKOV: Why not? I'm as smart as that pompous half-breed..(beeps)
     SULU: Yeah, that's what you say, but remember what happened last time.
 (Computer beeps)
     UHURA: Remember last time.
     CHEKOV: (IN A FRENZY) I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! (The Computer breaks)
       Oh...damn........Sulu, do you think......
     SULU: You'll have to tell Mr. Spock YOURSELF.
     SCOTT: (Door sounds - he's REALLY drunk) Sulu, get ready to transport
       the molasses on my signal. (Belch) TRANSPOOT AWAY!
 (Pause - Snore from LANDREY)
     SULU: I'm reading a runaway power source on the planet, and it looks
       like it's going to blow.
     SCOTT: Well laddies, I've earned my pay for the week. (Empties a bottle
       and tosses it) I CAN LICK ANYONE ON THIS BRIDGE! (No response) ANYONE!
       C'mon Sulu...C'mon, ACTING CAPTAIN SULU! Are you AFRAID?
     SULU: I'm not afraid of you, you drunken highlands motorhead...
 (KIRK, SPOCK and McCOY enter)
     KIRK: Secure from general quarters Mr. Scott.
     SCOTT: Aye aye sir. (mutters)
     McCOY: Well if you ask me it still doesn't add up. Why base a culture
       on a folktale? It's nonsensical! And then what do YOU do? You let
       that Vulcan gourmand loose on an innocent planet!
     KIRK: Oh, I don't know, Bones, it seemed to be...the logical choice.
     SPOCK: Yes, and the dessert WAS fascinating.
 (KIRK and McCOY laugh)
     SCOTT: Ya wee ballock...Aauughhh!!
 (SCOTT falls over)
     KIRK: (fading out) Mr. Scott? Scotty? Bones, take a look at him. He's
       unconscious.....
 (END MUSIC)

Words & Music: Paul Rubin, except "Our Venal Volcano" (music: spiritual). All arrangements: Paul Rubin and the Combo. Engineer: Jim Fourniadis. Recorded: Oct 91-Oct 93 in NYC @ Toxic, Context, Waterworks, The Place. Graphics: Tim Reed/Paul Rubin. Copyright 1993 Rubin Brothers Audio

Cab City Combo (cabcitycombo AT nyc.rr.com)